I will never give in.

Where I’m From

2008-09-03T01:46:59Z

I am from hearts, from shoes and pillows.

I am from the bricks and wood, simple, warm, textured.

I am from the roses, weeds, and air, the details, the ugly, and blue.

I am from Christmas morning and strength, from Paige, Ron, and Frances.

I am from the visionary and passionate.

From no and I love you.

I am from Love, as I breathe into the world the change I cause.

I'm from the South, Fried Bologna, and Eggs.

I am from the time my grandmother cried in front of me, the time my mother said I am proud of you, and my father smiled and wished me luck.

I am from the oak trunk with a letter to myself that I was to open when I was 21, the hallway downstairs of what it means to see the innocence in a child's eye. I am from your heart, when it was the most loved.

I am from coffee pots

From smiles and sighs,

I am from fire,

burning bright and lighting the way

I am from vanilla and sweatshirts

From Frances and Paige.

I'm from the loving and extreme,

From long winded conversations and witty one liners.

I'm from support, love, passion, steadfast

And how to mend broken hearts.

I'm from your eyes and your lips,

chicken and pancakes.

From soft hands, lips that talk, curves that move, hands that heal, and her

To long arms, familiar smells, and oversized shirts.

Tattoos and scars,

Words to never forget, to always remember, wounds self inflicted, healed only on my skin,

I am from those moments – forever on the outside, to remind me what color red is and just how bold it can be.

city lights

2008-09-03T01:46:20Z

*July, 6 08*

I like it in the evening, pavement rushing underneath.

The city lights make me feel like I'm closer to home than I knew.
I can't promise everything will be perfect every day, but I can promise that I will love you more and more every day I wake.
What is living really, if you aren't living it with the one you love?
Everything else may stand to make things harder at times, but there is nothing better to live for and to teach, and to inspire around you than true love in every glance, every movement, and every time you say good morning. That in itself is enough to change the world, because that is a foundation that if you have everything else can fall into place over time.
United, we can be that change we want to see in the world.

Breathing is so effortless with you. Like a part of me I had never forgotten, stuck inside of me forever and without it I am not myself completely. I can be quiet and your arms give me the warmth to calm the storm brewing in my head. Nothing has ever fit so perfectly. As if it were made just for me, to fit every sound in my heart, every song in my head, and to inspire every work I am to create.
It's so very quiet here without you, my eyes misty and my hands empty.
Not for long though, not for long. Soon enough we will be back to that unspoken place, spoken only in glances, and loss of breath. Where we dare not say aloud what we both know as truth, either way things are what they are and no words said or unsaid can change the beating of our hearts, and the look in our eyes. Sometimes things just fit, and nothing else seems to compare.
This is what they make songs about.
This is what they write poems about.
We have everything people go their entire lives wishing they would know.
And it's safe to say we do.
It's safe to say we do.

Baby You're The Best Part of My Day

2008-08-19T06:44:40Z

We will do it all
When the nights fall, silent and heavy hearts find a new way to fill
The parts emptied
The parts removed by others hands
We will do it all

Something happens to us, when we are taught our ABC’s
Of life
We are taught who we are, by what others do and say to us
We are meant to feel like there is something wrong with
Who we were to begin with
That open heart that cared so much,
The one you never doubted
Becomes easy to doubt
Because their words cuts like knifes
Their actions make us feel like we are nothing
Nothing at all
Something happens to us when we forget.
Forget what it felt like to wake up, happy for who you are
Now
Happy for the love you have inside

Sometimes dormant because of fear
Fear instilled by the world’s doubts placed on them
Fear created to instill doubt on everything you ever believed
When the real truth is it never went away
It’s still there, trying to peak its head past those
Scary words and actions of others
Trying to see if it’s safe to come out
The truth is, it’s never safe

It’s safety in itself that keeps most of us from
Truly waking up each day forgetting the cost
Is has on our souls, and the price we feel in our bones
Its safety that causes us to fear others words
Others reactions
Others thoughts
Others

This life belongs to one person
It belongs to each of us
And the only way to live
To live true
Is to live from your heart
Because it is the only thing that can save you
The only thing that can keep you together

When the tears stop
When your freedom comes
And the day you can look in the mirror
To see your face
It will be like the first time
Almost as if you had never
Woken up to begin with

Maybe your flesh and bones
And your limbs moved
And your mouth worked
But the part that gave it all life
Was waiting on that day
And I will be standing right there
When it happens

We are made with hearts larger than we know
It just takes someone to remind us
Every once in a while
That they are not always right
Because the truth is they never saw
The parts of you that meant
Everything
The parts that make you who you are
And those my dear
Are built from love
And I can’t wait for the day
You can truly feel it completely
For the first time

Because at the end of the days
The ABC’s don’t mean shit
If you can’t love the one in your heart
If you can’t hold the one you long for
When nights are cold
And to kiss good morning
In the middle of the day
It’s the only thing worth it
Because actions
And our hearts sing louder
Than any letters could spell
Words in black and white

Hearts stay intertwined,
And together
They always become
One

Writer's Block: Running Things

2008-08-19T04:37:00Z

What would you change about your country if you could be in charge for a day?

Submitted By gentle_dream

View 501 Answers

everyone would have to listen to motown all day.

violetanais @ 2008-08-19T00:35:00

2008-08-19T04:35:52Z

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

HBPC - The Visionary

Humanity, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Writer's Block: Your Username

2008-08-18T02:41:00Z

Why did you choose your user name? Is there any special meaning or story behind it?

Submitted By lilbananapie

View 502 Answers

Violet comes from the name of Jennifer Tilly's character in Bound, as well as the color i tend to gravitate too.
Anais, is the first name of my favorite author Anais nin.

And there we have it.

Writer's Block: Some words to live by...

2008-06-04T23:57:45Z

"Live for something, or Die for nothing."

Whether it be a trait like, your morals, your integrity, your honesty or for the change you can bring to others.
It like totally makes sense.

What words do you find wise enough to live by?

View 502 Answers

I never claimed to be a poet.

2008-03-27T01:37:57Z

I could stay up all night here in this smoke filled room
With my headphones on
So much talk of color
And bruises of black and blue
If you were here I would say,
Baby, I don’t know how I got here
Only that I have
And if you close your eyes
Ill dance with you
And we can pretend your scars don’t
Hurt when it’s cold outside
And my arms will feel like home
I’ll even let you rest your head in my hands
And we can make believe my skin is as warm as
It ever was
I never believed in pacing
I think it’s for those who are afraid of falling
It only hurts for a moment
We still have time
I’m trying
I'm trying
Baby, I'm trying
There are days I can’t remember
How I got home
Or where I went when I was gone
Only that I woke up here
Heart beating heavy
Wakes me from my sleep
I can barely keep up anymore
I grow older
I see it in my eyes
Sometimes I watch from the window
To see how long I stay still
I sing only to remember
I remember only
The song the trigger makes
And there is no crime small enough

He once wrote
“That when a woman has kept her legs closed for 35 years, it's too late-either for love-or for poetry."
Thankfully I never claimed to be a poet.

These days

2008-03-27T00:24:55Z

I sat in my car, for what seemed like hours
Of course only minutes passed
I guess that’s how it goes these days
I can remember to close my eyes long enough
To realize where I am
And wake right back up again

He told me that my back left tire was low on air
I had never seen him before, but I said thank you
And smiled
He was right, after all it was very low on air
So I went down the street to fill it up

I wanted to thank him today
When I walked outside again
But people around here
All look the same
We all want to be somewhere else
We wear it on our skin like makeup
It’s not obvious, unless you really look for it
At least that’s how it should be
It will stain your pillows, dirty your hands
And leave a strange taste on your lips
But no matter
I said this several times to myself
Quietly and under my breath

I think I will see him again
He had the same look on his face
But something lonely underneath
Bad posture and insecure speech
I want to tell him thank you
And maybe in a smile from someone
He has seen but once before
He may recognize a familiar stain
On my clothes
And maybe he might stand up straight
Long enough to look me in the eyes
And he will know
That it’s no matter
Because sometimes
Thats just how it goes
These days

I wish you would

2008-03-12T03:35:03Z

You can’t afford to be wrong
The price is too high
Not to be sure

There is something calming here
Nothing scratching from inside
Just a few melodies
Running thru me now

My time is short
And I know this now
Though I knew it then
I have no excuse

You gave me a loaded gun
And I put it to my heart
With my eyes wide open
So I could see just the right spot

What’s the point of bullets
If you can’t pull the trigger?
These tears don’t forget
And neither do I

Such a silent scream
Rang so loud
Gripping at best
Just outside your hands

You can get your own
Because this one is mine
I earned it
By vital skin and tissue

The sound is
All that’s left for you now
The sound is
All you can hear

In no certain terms

I wish you would
I wish you would

May Flies

2008-03-12T03:00:02Z

I’ll say it loud
So you can hear
It’s the wrong place
It’s the wrong time

I’ll stand here all night
Waiting for the moment
I have a few more days
Before I break completely

So go ahead
I’ll sign your affidavit
So go ahead
So go ahead

I’ll try to walk
I’ll stand up straight
I’ll try to speak
And I’ll try to breathe

And that train will come
But I won’t move
Steadfast
Steadfast

My legs won’t work
My mouth won’t fall
Open
I’ll face it head on
And knock one down
For old times sake

It’s just a few more days
I think I can make it
I think I can make it

My fav

2008-03-11T02:20:15Z

Picture I took of Rollins...I love him and this is my favorite of the set.

Float

2008-03-11T02:00:09Z

My face looked like a strangers

I could only think about where I was then

And all I know now, is that

I have been waiting for so long

Just to fall down

I held all of you up

Kept your heads above water

Until you could swim on your own

I would watch from a distance

Just to make sure

This place was home to me

Now it feels so cold

I don't recognize any of it

Just memories of where I once sat

And where I could stay warm

I can't even see your face anymore

None of you

I have been trying to float

But things are so heavy now

I just start sinking

I should be lighter if anything

I gave it all away

I never cared if I drowned

But this time around

I'm not just

A pretty face for you

Or another fix to fill your heart

I'm not even something to make you feel better

About everything you hated about yourself

I am just water

Under your bridge

Waiting for the right

Moment

To fall down

I am just a memory that fades with time

To remind you of what it was like to be

Who you always wished you could be

And like all memories

They replay in black and white

Along the edge if they play at all

I will just rest here

Quietly

Red has always been my

Color

Trust me

2008-03-11T01:58:32Z

Words don't fall

Like they used too

There is no medicine for this

People look right thru you

They never know your name

They walk right by with

Their own fingerprints on your throat

And you wonder so often

Why you can't breathe

I tried to scream so they might hear

I tried to bleed bright red so they might look

If only for a moment

Their footsteps always go right beside you

I can see the dirt on the soles of their shoes

And the mark they leave on the concrete

So many people

It's all a lie

It's all a lie

You don't know breaking

Until they crush your bones

You won't know what's left

Until you think everything is gone

Trust me

It will never go away

Until all you feel is the scar tissue they

Gave so effortlessly

Trust me

Getting up is the easy part

It's falling that cuts you into pieces

You will never forget

Every day you will remember

And wish you didn't

Trust me

Jut trust me

Ha. And worth every penny.

2008-03-05T18:32:57Z

violetanais @ 2008-02-22T10:27:00

2008-02-22T15:21:28Z

What color is your soul painted?

Red

Your soul is painted the color red, which embodies the characteristics of love, strength, physical energy, sex, passion, courage, protection, excitement, speed, leadership, power, danger, and respect. Red is the color of the element Fire, and is associated with blood, life and death, birth, volcanoes, and intense emotions.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

For Andrew on His Birthday

2008-01-05T08:28:14Z

Because I love you.

True Romance

2007-12-09T20:55:11Z

What would you do, if someone knew your favorite Romantic movie....

And then one night, they take you to see a movie at the Vista Theater...

Then they took you to dinner at Rae's...

And then took you to the Safari Inn to spend the night...

Then at at the end of the night, they give you a ring and on the inside of the ring it says...
"You're so cool"

I know what I would do....brag about it.

22.18

2007-04-08T03:53:47Z

You were right. Ever since you have known me, there has been something keeping me from 100%. It isn’t anything new. Before, there was always something to fight against; always someone who didn’t believe and I found it my only means of life to make it so. All along just keeping that something from ever really showing up and staying. Keeping it just under the surface so it never came out, it never stayed, it never took over because there was nothing hurtful to distract me from it.

Now I can’t shake it.

Maybe all those times people hurt me, lied to me, took me for granted and made me feel like nothing…maybe this is what’s left. What has been built over so many years from the other side of happiness. Piece by piece, just stacking away on top of each other one after another and I never saw it coming. And this time, it’s not going away so quickly. It’s almost as if I have to cry it out to the point of devastation over and over until it’s all gone. Like an infection, you bleed it out. Except I don’t bleed anymore, now there is nothing for me to do but cry.

I played piano for almost an hour tonight, and I have been listening to it on repeat. Jumbled notes, minor keys, soft too loud it goes in an instant. Over and over I hear everything that goes on in my head. Only this time my words will fall short because I can't explain it. But I can hear it.

I saw a picture of you and her tonight. It made me remember how it feels to be sick.

How I can’t stand the look on her face.

Then I think about what I let them do to me.

And how he was the first one that came along and showed me it was okay to be stuck in this skin. It was ok to hurt and to cry and now he barely recognizes me anymore.

This lost little girl that barely resembles the person he knew.

I swear I’m in here somewhere, and maybe when I’m done crying I’ll wake up and see her in the mirror. Maybe I can sleep this off, and bleed this out, and wake up and recognize something familiar. Maybe I can wake up and remind you why you fell in love with me in the first place, and maybe I can make it worth all the trouble I cause you.

But you would never admit it anyway you are too much like me. You will find a nice way to clean it up, to make it pretty because nothing can ever be ugly with us. You have too much heart to see it any other way. I guess I have always been hopeless. I spent too much time giving it to everyone else, and now I guess I’m trying to figure out how to fill back up. But I didn’t realize until now what it meant. How important it all is. And I’m glad I didn’t give it all away, that I still have a string or two holding me together. I still have the ability to write about nothing and somehow turn it into something. As well as the ability to keep the few of you next to my heart yet allow you to feel so far away.

I’ll be back, I know I will.

Everything is a fucking funeral.

And the burial comes next.

Help women in need... takes one minute to click on the site

2007-03-08T23:24:00Z

You probably have never thought of this, but women's shelters in the
U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance
agencies generally help with expenses of "everyday" necessities such as
toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is
overlooked - feminine hygiene products. (Who is at the helm of the
funding assistance agencies anyway!?)

Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products
company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary
products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking
the link. Talk about easy (literally takes less than 1 minute and they
ask nothing of you). And, yes, it is legitimate!

http://www.tampontification.com/donate.php

Thanks for helping out.

Please pass this on

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

violetanais @ 2007-03-07T23:47:00

2007-03-08T04:48:18Z

We are just two lost little girls

Two little girls that are used to being left out

Left behind and taken for granted

We know nothing more than these few things

We only know chaos

Insecurity and never feeling like you’re good enough

For anything more than the bullshit those

Assholes left behind

We are the scattered pieces of everything we once were

With a needle and thread desperately trying to sew back together

The things we knew we wanted to keep

That people just keep tearing off

As if to see how long it takes us to figure out

Just the right spot to fit them back

So we run around constantly being affected

By everything around us

Constantly sewing

Constantly piecing everything back together

Constantly trying to find peace

And a safe place to rest our head

So we don’t worry anymore about things being

Ripped

Apart or every having to put them back together

Again

But we do

Each and every day we live

Because the world around us has conditioned us

To be prepared

To keep the thread handy

Cause at some point we think someone will take it from us

Tear it away without weapon or even a fight

Just pull it apart and walk away slowly

Because they don’t think we would chase them

Because it’s so easy for them to take

And we so easily give

We don’t bother to hide the pieces away

In a safe place

It just defeats the purpose

At the end of the day I’m the lost little girl

Looking for a safe place to lay my head

Because I’m tired of sewing and I’m tired of chasing around

Pieces that were never me to begin with

I’m tired

And for once I realize they could take it all away

But it will just grown back

And I will still be that little girl

And nothing anyone can do

Will ever

Take that away from me

I'm officially better than you.

2007-02-13T00:54:19Z

I got a star named after me for Valentines day, what did you get?
Get your own Amanda, this one is mine.

Work...Religion...And well yeah.

2007-01-27T15:33:35Z

So I have this team at my job. Just the three of us, and one of them (Faith) has been not caring about the job, showing up late, being negative and such recently so I talked to her about it and she says she is sorry, that people were just being negative there and she was feeding into it. I encouraged her to make a difference by not letting them bring her down, but to bring them up and inspire them to change etc. etc. And asked her to decide basically if she wants to work hard and do a good job or move on. I wanted her there, but if she can't do that to let me know.
She tells me that she is writing me a letter and will leave it at my desk for me to get today.
Now we talk alot, she knows Im gay she hears me talk to Ashanta all the time about personal things, there are no secrets with me with anyone even at work. She is Christian and finds that to be WHO she is. She also sees how I impact those around me, and honestly i think it confuses her completely that i can be gay and such a good person and not believe in her god, or do it for her god. So anyway, I scanner her letter she sent me below and my response typed below.
I apologize for the length of it all but it was the only way i knew it would be legible.

Faith,

First of let me thank you for the effort it took you to write that, and the time and thought you put into it. I understand you need to do what you are told to do and that is great for you.
Now I need you to understand,
When I spoke of the things my mother wanted me to do that I would never do- It had nothing to do with any of this. My friends or family have never wanted me to do anything that I’m not already doing. Whatever misunderstanding that has happened to make you think that, is just that a misunderstanding. MY friends and my family are very close with me and happy with the person I am, who I have become, and what I do with my life each and every day. So first I want to clarify that. I have nothing but love, loving people, and beautiful people around me that would die for me as I would them. Whatever pieces of something that has been said or came up to give you any impression other than that, are simply just not factual. This is including my mother now. All we needed was a little clarification and as I suspected she is happy completely with me, and the impact I have on other people and the ability I have to change their lives for the better. I don’t have struggles with my relationships with people close to me. They are all very close, very intense and full of undying love and acceptance for each other. Hearing part of a story could have been what gave you that idea, but they do completely love and support me in every aspect of who I am and I apologize for not making that clear before.

Whatever people have labeled me, thought of me, in of no direct concern to me. Their words their thoughts are their own, not mine. I do not have to live with them they do.
I do not struggle in my day to day life, I do not feel or get lost in other people’s negativity, nor do I feed into it. My purpose is what it has been since I was born. And that is to be better everyday than the day before, and to leave everything that I touch better than it was before I found it. And I can die tomorrow and point at the lives I have changed, people I have inspired, the music, the poems, and the strangers who I have helped believe in themselves because of who I am. And I can look historically at my life and pinpoint the beautiful things I have done that will live with people and affect the rest of their lives because of me. I do everything I do because it’s from my heart and it’s from me.

You do everything you do because it’s from the bible, and from Jesus. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. That’s you. That’s what you live and breathe. What you have to understand is part of all of that is understanding and acceptance for others who are different.
Not everyone believes what you do. Some of them struggle with life, some of them struggle with themselves. Some of them don’t. Some of them just believe in a different god, or religion all together. It is their place to find what fits into their heart and theirs is not better, stronger or superior to yours it’s just different as yours is to theirs.
So if anything you should spend your time trying to help those that struggle with negativity like the ones that get to you every day here. Or those that struggle with pain, or darkness, or things that are self destructive. They need help because they hurt, and above all they need love.

I don’t hurt Faith. I’m not searching for myself, or who I am at all. I know. And I am sure of it because of the impact I have had on everything close are around me, and everything I will continue to do. There is no real pain in my past nothing to fight or overcome anymore. I overcame all of that along time ago and it has made me stronger than ever. I continue to rise above and help those find their own path to love and light, whatever that may be. It’s up to them to decide that, not me. I don’t struggle with my life, I don’t wonder it’s purpose because I live it every day I change someone’s perspective and inspire them to inspire themselves. That comes from me. I don’t live in fear, I live thru love unfaltering love for those that have it in their hearts to take a stand. I can see it in their eyes in the way they live and love fearlessly now. That can’t be taken away, and I helped them and changed their life and they brought love into mine.

You call your love Jesus, or God, or Christianity-that is what works for you and I encourage you to continue reading, and learning and finding ways for it to help you and those around you overcome their negativity so it doesn’t bring you down anymore, and maybe you can find a way to bring them up and make a positive impact by example to them. Especially if you have that common ground with them. By all means continue to find things to move you and to inspire you and never find yourself lost in negativity.
I am complete and I am constantly helping everyone around me and showing them what love is in many different ways. I search for nothing more than the comfort of my friends and family around me and I have it as they have mine every time we get the chance to be together.
Everything you have written in that letter is your perspective on what Is right and true and what works for you. If you’re fighting until I believe completely in exactly what you do, then stop now.
Because I fundamentally am a wonderful person, and I do amazing things with my life just for a different reason than you. And I can accept you with your beliefs and what you need to inspire you, and I wouldn’t want to make you believe or change anything about it.
One day I hope you have that understanding for others regardless of what religion they are, what god they believe in, one day I hope you begin to see a good person as a good person, that you see someone who does good things as a person who does good things and realize it doesn’t matter if they do it for the same reasons or the same god as you-it matters that they do it.
A good person is a good person, and at the end of the day they could be Buddhist.
What matters is you see them as a good person, who does good things
Instead of someone who needs to believe what you do in order to be a good person.

So if all of this was based on you thinking I struggled with my family or my friends, or my past then I understand and please rest assured there isn’t any one of my close circle of friends and family that doesn’t completely love the person I am, and there isn’t one of them that wouldn’t do anything in the world for me. Next time if your listening I can make it a point to tell the entire story, and make sure that you hear it so you aren’t left with pieces to make you think anything else. If in general you just felt like I needed help then please rest assured I wake every morning with love surrounding me, acceptance, comfort and wonderful people who inspire me and another chance to inspire another person each and every day, because I do. Whether it’s in a poem I wrote, and stand I took, or a smile I gave I do it every day and every day it happens. I don’t live or struggle with others negativity. I help those who want to help themselves. I have a beautiful and privileged life because the people that are close to me love harder and stronger than anyone I have ever met in my life and they stand right by me as I do them and we all work together as a team to leave the world better every chance we get. I have everything I want around me because I made the choices to put it there, I made the efforts to know I deserve it, and I do the things I had to do to learn and grow as a person every day. Life is a journey to learn, to grown, to inspire, and to love unfaltering as much as one can. That is life for me.
So let me make sure all of that is clear.

I hope you continue to find things to help you along your journey, and find the tools you need to bring yourself peace in your heart so that you aren’t struggling at times with others or your own purpose. Good luck in all of that and may you never stop trying. Whatever you have to do let me know as it pertains to you staying here at Matria and working. If you plan on staying here then please by all means do and let me know, if you think you need to move on and try to find something else you can do and be happy there, know I understand- just let me know.
Feel free to let me know if there is any confusion about anything I said, and rest assured I’m glad to see you have so much conviction in trying to better yourself and continuing to find your path around those in your life. I hope you always do, and good luck with finding what you need to keep you at peace inside. Just let me know as far as the job in concerned what your plans are so I can plan as well. Thanks again for everything you do, and hope you have a great weekend!

Christmas

2006-12-26T04:54:42Z

It’s 11:24 pm on Christmas night. It took me exactly 14 hours to be irritated with everything, become the grinch and hate the world.

I had a great day, wonderful presents, and friends calling all day to say Happy Holidays, and to give their love.

I have Amanda.

So what’s the problem?

Could it be that yesterday was the first Christmas Eve without my mother attending the usual dinner with my Dad’s side of the family? Could it be that I watched her face change as my dad was trying to make light of a situation by joking, and she already being upset simply left, and said she was sorry but she was going home. She said “I break my back for him, and he doesn’t even care” My dad just feels like she is always over reacting and is insulted when she gets upset.

Apparently they fought last night and my Aunt over heard what she said were the worst words she ever imagined being said to another person. Today Dad seemed just a little resentful, and Mom seemed to be making an effort. I don’t know what’s going on with them. I know they used to fight when I was a kid, and once she told me they were getting divorced because he cheated on her. Then she blamed herself for him cheating because she didn’t go to church more, and she gained weight over the years and didn’t look like she did when she was 21.

For the record I don’t look like I did when I was 21 and I never will.

But today, we made breakfast for us and my uncle’s wife and her two sons. It would be their first Christmas without him, and everyone seemed awkwardly happy with celebrating a holiday their religion doesn’t believe in. I mean in good form though, because hell I don’t necessarily believe in God as the Christian or catholic religion state’s it, but I celebrate because my family always has and it is a perfect time to once again have an excuse for me to get the people closest to me something to say thank you, and I love you. None the less, they seemed happy. They ate pancakes, decided they didn’t like grits, and would have rather been playing with their fake guns in the living room while my dad told them about laser pointers and how wherever the red dot is- is where the bullet goes.

My mom does a lot for everyone around her. I know she feels unloved and unappreciated. I recognize it’s only in certain forms, that she will actually receive aHappthe recognition back. Mainly when a little out of the ordinary thank you card, or gift is given. She likes words written where she can read them over and over instead of something just spoken.

I also realize I am really all she has. And now I understand why she reacts the way she does when we talk about me moving. I’m still doing it for me, and maybe that’s selfish who knows. But I would rather die trying, rather than die here wishing I did. I know deep down she understands, and if anything she may have taught me too well. Because no longer and I this passive, complacent middle of the line little girl that had no idea about what I want and what it would take to get me there. She has taught me to be fiercely independent, and as far as I am concerned I’ll break thru anything and everything that stands in my way. I don’t sit here, wishing anymore. I figure out what I want, and exactly what it would take to get it, and I don’t just think about it I stand up, get off my ass and do it. That was always my down fall. I had awesome ideas, but no follow thru. What I realize is that for the most part it may take me a while to get certain things but in the end of it all I get it. And it’s just a matter of finding a way to deal with the day to day and not forget the bigger picture. As long as I’m working at it, and staying true to it I can be happy and proud and make it thru until it’s mine in the end. Some things are just as simple as that. Wake up, dust yourself off, and fucking do something. And as long as you’re staying true to yourself, you can never look back and wish for anything else. This is what she is proud of me for, but what also breaks her heart.

I always miss my grandmother during the holidays. In all honestly I stopped caring completely about them when she died, but I’m beginning to get a more thorough idea of how to make them better. All of that will fall into place when I have a home, and I get to share it with the ones closest to me. I just try to find the bigger meaning in it all, and sometimes that’s what ends up bringing me right back down.

I also realize that I get really really irritated after long amounts of time with my family.

Sometimes wanting to bang my head in a wall.

Sometimes being happy.

But all the time thankful for the ups and downs, and the ability to feel anything.

Most people aren’t that lucky.

And I also find that thru all of this, all I needed was a moment to come home and be alone.

To write a little, and the world seems better already.

Maybe there is life in these old bones yet.

Maybe tomorrow I am going to take my own advice, wash my clothes, clean my room, install speakers in my car and just get off my ass.

That is going to make me even happier. Then maybe

Just maybe everyone around me will be happier too.

On the corner of Magnolia

2006-12-14T20:25:36Z

It’s times like these when everything stops

And all I can hear is your voice

And all I can see is your face

And everything I am is full

Of tears, of love, of happiness,

And of missing you

The sadness is momenterry

And everything you are

And we are together

Is finally something I can

Call forever

I know it

I knew it

And I live it each and every morning

I wake up

Every second I breathe

Every moment I have the ability to think

To feel, to walk, to move, to function

Belongs to you

I would do anything it took to get to you

And I am

And soon enough

It will be us

Together

Never sleeping alone

Waking up with your sleepy smile

On my shoulder

And nothing will ever keep me from that

No matter what it takes

I have loved you since the day I met you

And I will love you until the day

That I die

And it’s times like these that all I want

Is to stay alive, and out of harms way long

Enough to know what this

Feels like standing right next to you

Forever